To exist

I am a carcass of an animal whose name has long been forgotten. I am immobile with no heart to feel. My eyes are empty sockets with no life to fill them. I want to think of thoughts that are not thoughts that I do not want to think.
But the thoughts that I do not want to think, I think.
My bones have become dirt, so I become a waterfall. My laughs echoes love, my arms glisten in the sun. I still have no heart to feel. I still think of the thoughts I don’t want to think.
The waterfall has dried up, I am now a tree. The wisdom of many years flow through me, my limbs are filled with compassion and I am at peace. Yet, I still have no heart to feel. I still think of the thoughts that I do not want to think.
The tree was chopped, so I am a star. I burn so bright, so quick. I am filled with hydrogen till I start to pour. Nothing can stop me, there is no pain. But, I still have no heart to feel. I still think thoughts I wish I could not think.
The hydrogen gave out so the star burst into a hole that swallows things, I am now left with nothing to be so I am dirt. Rich and heavy. I can feel my carcass deep down inside me. It asks me, “Did nothing change with the things you became? How are you still haunted with invalidity? How did you never find a heart to feel your feelings?”
I open my mouth and speak before it is filled with sand,
“I’m sorry.”

 

(image by photographer Ren Hang who committed suicide on 24.02.17, you will be remembered)

March 25, 2017March 5, 2018 by peachyzaynah

Belong

There is water, water, water, water but I am not drowning. I am feeling better but the thought of your heart beating against my flesh pulls me deeper and deeper until I cannot feel anyone, until I am just another green glare in the camera that is shining over your face, obstructing your face. Careful, you say and there is strawberry in your breath, you warn me of gargoyles that caress skin. You say there is much I don’t know and much I shouldn’t. I argue that I want to know, that I am strong enough to handle what I cannot.
You disagree.
The apples of my cheeks are pink but you say they are not. I have a blind spot and your existence vanishes in it without my strength being able to stop it.I have two eyes, two ears, and a mouth yet I am unable to see the smell of the words you speak. You are aware. You are aware.
You know how I feel, you know my Achilles heel, yet you do not say anything. You’d rather pretend that I can never know because I am strong enough to be unaware.

I do know.
I accept that belonging will never be an accomplishment.

January 4, 2017January 4, 2017 by peachyzaynah